It Ends...I Moved

Sebuah tulisan saya saat Ramadhan tahun lalu. Di hari itu saya memutuskan untuk mengatakan ‘Aku ikhlas melepasmu. Aku tersenyum melepasmu. Dan masih akan tersenyum mengenangmu.’ Berat sekali memang, tapi saya melakukannya. Dan setelah sekian waktu, saya benar-benar ikhlas dan bebas. Saya tidak lagi benci, saya tidak lagi cinta. Saya kembali mendapatkan jiwa saya yang utuh, tidak terbagi oleh benci atau pun cinta.


I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you!

But... 
All the time...
No matter how much I keep saying that
to myself,
no matter how hard I hide it into smiles,
no matter how much I keep walking away from it,
no matter how hard I scream it at night
as tears stain my cheeks,
I can't help but hear a my own voice
in my head
whispering about
all your good sides.

I do love the way
you hold me
I do love the way
you touch me.
I do love the way
you see me.
I do love the way
you make me feel...

When I'm with you,
I feel loved.
I feel special.
I feel beautiful.
I feel like a princess.
You make me feel that.

And that's why it breaks me
knowing, that
you made another girl
feel the same way too
when you were with me.

That's why I hate you.

But... What if you were right?
What if your feeling never changed?
What if you are sorry?
What if...

What if I'm an evil?
I am the one who broke up with you
after all.
I am the one who called
you a
heart-breaker,
liar
traitor,
after all.

And you did say
you're sorry.

No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for breaking
your heart
with all those cruel words.
Were they even true?
What if I misunderstood?

But...
You broke my heart first.
It's all your fault!

I hate you!

And...
I
love
you.

Ngk, Ramadhan 17th 1432

Picture here