It Ends...I Moved

Sebuah tulisan saya saat Ramadhan tahun lalu. Di hari itu saya memutuskan untuk mengatakan ‘Aku ikhlas melepasmu. Aku tersenyum melepasmu. Dan masih akan tersenyum mengenangmu.’ Berat sekali memang, tapi saya melakukannya. Dan setelah sekian waktu, saya benar-benar ikhlas dan bebas. Saya tidak lagi benci, saya tidak lagi cinta. Saya kembali mendapatkan jiwa saya yang utuh, tidak terbagi oleh benci atau pun cinta.


I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you!

But... 
All the time...
No matter how much I keep saying that
to myself,
no matter how hard I hide it into smiles,
no matter how much I keep walking away from it,
no matter how hard I scream it at night
as tears stain my cheeks,
I can't help but hear a my own voice
in my head
whispering about
all your good sides.

I do love the way
you hold me
I do love the way
you touch me.
I do love the way
you see me.
I do love the way
you make me feel...

When I'm with you,
I feel loved.
I feel special.
I feel beautiful.
I feel like a princess.
You make me feel that.

And that's why it breaks me
knowing, that
you made another girl
feel the same way too
when you were with me.

That's why I hate you.

But... What if you were right?
What if your feeling never changed?
What if you are sorry?
What if...

What if I'm an evil?
I am the one who broke up with you
after all.
I am the one who called
you a
heart-breaker,
liar
traitor,
after all.

And you did say
you're sorry.

No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for breaking
your heart
with all those cruel words.
Were they even true?
What if I misunderstood?

But...
You broke my heart first.
It's all your fault!

I hate you!

And...
I
love
you.

Ngk, Ramadhan 17th 1432

Picture here

Feel...You!

I’ve told you everything you may know

I’ve told you everything I may dont know

I’ve told you a thing the words cant show

I gave you everything when I trust your feeling inside

I gave you everything when your arms around my shoulder

I gave you everything when I heard your heart beating

But then I realize, I give you my all when I see you in my dreams over and over

When we spent the night under the stars I feel like I soar to the sky

When you make me smile, you’ve just have my all world in your palm

When you hold my hand, you’ve been live inside for the rest of my life

By the time you leave me standing alone

I still can hear you, I still can feel the warmth

But I never move from the stage where I have been

You may fill your heart and mind with those angers of my stupidity

I’ll live with my shadow, and you walk away with all my questions

In hopes you are there full of bliss and bless

gambar dari sini

As You Walk Away

Today I played my part again

I was there for my friend

She cried on my shoulder today

Anything to make her feel ok.

I play so strong to try and understand

How sometime life is grand.

I almost cried today

I did not make it through this day.

In the morning I wake to the sounds

of which I hate the sounds of love in the air

I wonder even if I dare,

I roll out of bed today

Thats all I remember from that day.

As you turn and walk away

I tell myself that im ok

My heart is crying

My head is screaming

My hands are shaking

But, I make it through another day.

As I go through the day

I say that every thing’s ok

I try to smile and fade away all the tears I feel today.

As I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

So it can feel the pain

I made it through another day.

Waking up I feel the same and just say

I will make it through another day.

I see them laugh and holding hands

Oh how I wish I could stand

To be around the joy and glee

But it’s no longer inside of me.

I tell myself I’ve moved on

I tell myself that I’m strong

And that I can hold on.

If only someone could take my hand

The thought of them touching me

Leaves me in pain u see,

To never to be able to trust a man

To never let u hold my hand.

I cannot let u see all there is inside of me

Because if I take down the walls inside of me

I might just crumble and fall

And there will be nothing left of me

So I tell u that I’m fine

And hold back the tears inside.

Here in my room while I sleep

I think of the most important things

The things I think before I wake.

 

I was crying again today

For only while I sleep do

I let the tears seep from my eyes I wonder why u look at me.

I pray to Lord to take..

Take the pain from my eyes

Let me not break down and cry

For I am strong today

So I can make it through just one more day.

 

picture from here

Langit Pagi Ini

Menikmati pagi dengan secangkir senyum dan rindu

Melambungkan hasrat untuk harapan di awal masa yang baru

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Di tempat nyaman yang hingga sekarang masih ingin kusinggahi

Bukan untukku

Tapi untuk hati yang menginginkan damai

Meski aku sungguh lelah berharap

Tapi akhirnya ku tersenyum menatap langit

Membayangkan bahwa aku pernah melintasi pelangi

Meski sekali

Setelah itu semua berlalu

Di ujung senyumku

Bertaut dengan senyum baruku menuju hangat mentari

Terima kasih menyapaku kembali di pagi ini

Melengkungkan senyum tipis di antara tangis

Kau masih langit yang menyimpan pijar bintangku

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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
Maya Angelou